


Just breathe

by LolTrollHaha



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 15:47:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17327900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolTrollHaha/pseuds/LolTrollHaha
Summary: Junhui thinks he is the burden of the group





	Just breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Just to let you guys know this is actually the second one i'm writing because i managed to delete the previous one by accident and it was pretty long too and now im going to make this one shorter.  
> I'm not really a hardcore fan I just really like Wen Jun Hui so yeah forgive me for my ignorance and i hope you enjoy reading.  
> This fic is more for my fun and imagination and i just wanted to put it somewhere so here it is.  
> This is really rushed so hope you dun mind mistakes.

Wen Jun Hui is not confident in himself. In fact, he is actually not confident at all, despite he's frequent banter that he's the most handsome, he actually just means it as a joke to try and cheer his other members up. Jun had never always had confidence issues, he was after all a child actor. Rather, this became an issue when he came to Korea, whereby he couldn't speak Korean properly and felt that he was alone. Even though he was saved by a certain Chinese boy named Xu Minghao. 

He was his savior for a good amount of time, they became best friends even and Jun didn't feel so lonely anymore. However, now things are changing again, the safe bubble he's managed to built crumbled down in record time. He wasn't stupid, he knew he had some form of talent, yet he only got that few seconds of exposure on the group's music videos, and just couldn't help but wonder.

Am I even necessary to the group at all?

And that's where everything started, Jun started to doubt himself even more everyday and he couldn't stop thinking about where he stood with his groups members. He wanted to be better, and not burden the rest of them. He started staying even later than usual after practice, hoping to improve as much as he can. the other members notice of course, each telling him to rest in their own way. He didn't listen and continued to brush them off until Minghao had enough and claimed that he would stay and practice as long as he does. That really did it for Jun, he couldn't let Minghao stay back when he didn't need to, when he didn't deserve to, unlike him.

Then he started sneaking out instead, he waits, until everyone is asleep and sneaks to the studio to practice. It was pretty successful, and no one caught him, the studio was his for the night and has to make sure everything is perfect. So, without sleeping, Jun continued to practice, hoping he would at the very least be of some use to the team.

"Jun hyung you got the step wrong again."  
Soonyoung, the dance leaders points at his feet.  
"You were late to the beat and your elbows are not bending enough."  
"I-I'm sorry, i will get it the next time."  
some idol he was, to be in charge of dance and to fail at the one thing you are supposed to do.

 

That night he sneaked into the studio again to practice, but this time he brought something else. He clasped the item in his fingers, there gleaming under the studio light was a razor. He sat with his back against the studio wall and admired the tiny but lethal object, before placing it on his wrist.  
i deserve it  
i deserve it  
i deserve it  
i deserve it  
Slowly, he slide the metal blade across his left wrist, a small noise of pain escaping his mouth as the razor scratched his skin. After the first cut he stopped, and stared at it. It was fascinating, to see the blood, to see the red drops of crimson forming on his skin. Jun knew, he knew that it was wrong, but that one cut had fascinated him, gave him a moment of distraction from whatever was crushing him, yet punishing him at the same time.  
He found it  
Was what he thought, a way to cope with being a useless burden and failure, a way to escape the swirling whirlpools in his head. He continued making cuts across his skin, every cut making him feel better and soon after something else was dripping onto his hand. It wasn't blood, it was tears, he hadn't realized that he was crying. Jun continued cutting his hand and before he knew it his entire wrist was bloodied and marred with cuts. He dropped the razor to the floor and laid his head back on the wall.

 

This addiction of his continued for quite some time, every time he didn't feel good about himself, especially when he couldn't do things right. He would turn to the razor he keeps in his phone case, to find that form of release and distraction, then practice and practice until he would almost collapse.  
By now the other members know that something is wrong, but every time they try to talk to him he just shuts them down. Jun is withdrawing, pushing his other members away, it hurts him, but he knows that its for the best, so they wouldn't have to keep dealing with a burden like him. ...... It was another one of his particularly bad days, he kept missing the beat and was so tired he couldn't even react to the fast beats. The other members had sighed after the tenth time he made a mistake and he could only lower his head in shame.

"Junnie, your're really sluggish today and you look really tired, you should take a break. Your're going to work yourself sick you know."  
Jisoo tells him, when everyone is resting and he is still trying to get that one step right.  
Jun couldn't find it in himself to reply, he knows its his own fault, everything is.

He went back to the studio that night, razor in hand, he sliced up his wrist and watched the growing beads of red again, by now his skin is already scarred with lines all across, he has to wear either long sleeves or a wristband to hide it. Jun makes his last cut and leans back into the wall. He's supposed to practice, but he's so... tired, he can't find the strength to stand up. His eyes slowly close, exhausted from a past month of not sleeping properly.

 

"OH MY GOD!!!"

Jun wakes up to an ear piercing shriek that he recognizes is actually Jeonghan's voice. He's tired eyes startle awake and the sight that greets him made him regret ever opening them. Jeonghan was kneeling in front of him, grasping his left hand.....HIS LEFT HAND! Jun tries to pull his arm back but Jeonghan wouldn't let go. The dried blood from his actions the previous night were there, all over his wrist and even some on the floor.

" This-this- what? why?"  
Unable to voice his thoughts, Jeonghan just grabs on to his hand as tears start streaming down his face.

this is it  
im done for  
they are going to kick me out of the group now

"I-I...sorry..."  
Jun didn't know what to say, what was he suppose to say.  
Jeonghan finally let go of his arm and hugged him, while stroking his hair with one hand.

"Is this why?... Is..Is this why you've been so cold to the rest of us lately?"  
Jun didn't know what to say, so he just hugged his hyung and bawled his eyes out. He cried harder than he ever did before, all the pain he felt, all his frustrations, he just hung onto Jeonghan like a lifeline and cried into his shoulder. 

"Shhh...It's okay.... I'm here now... It's okay."

Jeonghan rocked Jun side to side, all the while stroking the back of his head.

Jun must have cried really hard, all of the sudden it was hard to breathe, his lungs felt constricted and his breath was harsh. He was breathing, but he felt like he was suffocating, his vision started going blurry and tears were still streaming down his face.  
He was so scared, he had no idea what was happening, he gripped harder onto his hyung and started wheezing and gasping for air.

"Jun? Jun!.. What's wrong with you! Oh my god Jun!"  
Jeonghan was panicking now, Jun sounded like he couldn't breathe, and his entire body was heaving and trembling like a leaf. JeongHan reached for his phone in his pocket and dialed the first number on his contact.  
"Please please please pickup."  
Jeonghan was crying again, he was so scared something would happen to Jun.

"Hey what's up-"

Jisoo answered thankfully on the second ring and Jeonghan cut him off.

"Please hurry here it's Jun he can't breathe i don't know what's wrong and i don't know what to do please hurry!"  
Jeonghan spits out immediately, the words easily slipping out of he's mouth.

"On the way."  
Was what he heard and only a minute later he was there at the door, with the rest of the members behind him, all panting with various sorts of clothing and bed hair.  
Seungchol sprints the last few steps to them and before he knew it he was sitting behind Jeonghan, carding his hands into Jun's hair and the other stroking his face.

"Jun... Jun look at me"

Jun unexpectedly does and the pain and fear in those eyes almost made Seungchol step back. Jun was still wheezing and struggling to breathe, his breathes were too fast and he was definitely hyperventilating.

"Okay.. That's it.. Now listen to me alright? You are having an panic attack and i need you to calm down, You're breathing too fast, can you take slow deep breaths? Like me, follow me okay?"  
Seungchol tells Jun slowly, hoping that he was able to hear everything.

A panic attack? He was having a panic attack? He tries his hardest to do what his hyung asked, tries to copy Seongchol's slow deep breaths.  
His vision was less blurry now. 

"That's it... just breathe slow."  
Seungchol continues breathing slowly and deeply, while still keeping a hand on Jun's face.

When Jun can finally breathe properly again the first thing he realizes is that there are a lot of people touching him, and all his members were in the room.  
He's still hugging Jeonghan, and Jeonghan is still petting his hair. Minghao was behind him patting his back gently and Lee chan and Jisoo were both holding his hands. Jisoo holding the bloody one. The rest of the members were sitting on the floor surrounding them and looking at him with concern.  
Seungchol started to wipe away his tears and a few hiccups broke out of his throat.

"Sorry..."  
It was barely a whisper but they all heard it.  
After staying there for a good amount of time JeongHan pulls him up to his feet. He's legs were unstable and he couldn't walk straight. Mingyu looped his right arm over his shoulder and Wonwoo the same on the left, they walked back to the dorm in silence, as ordered by the team leader.

Its was later, when they were back at the dorm when Seungchol and Jeonghan brought him to the bathroom. He was seated on the toilet seat and he couldn't help feeling ashamed of himself.  
"Junnie.... I know it is uncomfortable for you, especially after what just happened, but we can't just pretend like nothing's happened."  
Seungchol started.  
Jun didn't dare look up and kept his gaze at the toilet's tiled floor.  
"Why did you ... hurt yourself."  
Jeonghan pulled up his sleeves and started working on cleaning and bandaging the cuts, motherly instincts taking over.  
Jun didn't reply immediately, he couldn't, it wasn't that easy to say, so they waited a good minute before he finally opened his mouth.  
"Because i deserve it."

Jeonghan stopped whatever he was doing and stared at him, shock painting his face.  
"Why....why do you think you deserve to be- to be hurt?"

Tears were forming in his eyes again and they dripped silently down to the floor.  
"Because i'm useless, i keep making mistakes, i'm a burden to everyone in the group and the group is better off without me messing things up and creating more problems."  
Jeonghan stared at him.  
"Your not useless Jun, you are part of us, we are family remember."

Seungchol kneeled down and tilted his face up.  
"We are family, no matter how many mistakes you make it's okay, your human too, it's okay to make mistakes, you've always tried your best and your good at dancing, you can sing, and you're adorably handsome too. Seventeen is us, thirteen members, we would not be here today if not for all of us, including you, so please.... stop thinking that your not necessary to the group. Seventeen needs you, we need you."

To hear something like that from his hyung was too much for him to handle and it's not long before a new round of sobs break out if his throat.  
"Aiyah... my silly dongsaeng..."  
Jeonghan reaches out and pulls Jun into his chest.  
"If you ever feel sad again let us know okay? And i promise you are not any of the things you said."  
Jun nods as Seungchol reaches one hand out to pat his head.

"Is there anything else, that you would want us to know?"  
Seungchol asks gently.

".....I'm sorry.... I think.. I think i'm addicted to it, I can't help myself."  
Seoungchol frowns.  
"To cutting?"  
Jun nods again.  
Jeonghan releases him and looks him in the eye. How could he let this happen to his dongsaeng, and not realize how bad Jun was feeling, to the point where he got addicted to hurting himself for being the apparent burden that he was not.

"Can you tell hyung why you think it's addicting?"  
"I..It distracts me? I don't know, it makes me feel less guilty, and it gives me time to breathe?"  
Jun couldn't put the feeling into words, but he has to try, for his hyungs.  
"It makes me feel better, for awhile ... I guess."

Jeonghan and Seungchol look at each other.  
Seungchol then sighs.  
"Okay Junnie, this has to stop, we can't let you keep hurting yourself, it's a really unhealthy coping method. Let's try this out okay, you come to us whenever you feel the urge, we will distract you instead okay? I'm not a professional so this is the only solution i could come up with. If...If it doesn't work and you continue hurting yourself then we would have no choice but to seek professional help okay? So i trust you not to lie to us again, so please trust us to look after you."

The thought of having to seek a counselor or being sent to some mental hospital scares him but, he knows that this cannot continue, and what Seungchol suggested will be the best chance he is ever going to get.

"....Okay, I'll do it, what you said, i trust you."

And right after the words left his mouth he was engulfed in a big hug from both Seungchol and Jeonghan.  
"Thank you...Thank you both so much"  
"Your welcome, silly dongsaeng"

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

"Yah Junnie hyung! Come sit down already."  
"Yes Yes, in a minute."  
"Hurry or you won't be getting your present later!"

A chuckle escapes his mouth, well, that's Seungkwan for you. Jun stops his practice and joins the rest for their break.  
After Jeonghan and Seunchol had told the group what happened, all of them cried, he was there of course, nervous for the members reactions, expecting some disgusted faces and some of disappointment what he did not expect was to be lifted from his seat and almost squashed to death in a massive group hug. The members were all supportive of his breakthrough and all promised to be there for him if he ever needs them. Jun remembered he had thanked god that day for letting him meet the best friends he could ever ask for.  
"You better prepare yourself Junnie hyung, I won't be accepting a simple 'no i'm tired' anymore!"  
Maknae Lee Chan had shouted out, which caused fits of laughter and many 'awww's from the members.

Life after that day was totally different from the one he'd been living the past month, the members all dragged him into doing things with them, being watching cartoons, cooking, reading, and even shopping.  
There were times where he would feel like a burden again and he would get upset, but this time he could find the strength to tell the other members, and they would help him through his feelings.  
Ever since that day he has never cut himself again, making his team members so proud and happy for him.  
They also happen to be celebrating his birthday later, and he can't wait.


End file.
